Saturday, February 16, 2008
Marini's Silence Explained
Archbishop Marini being taken into rehab.
Commentators have been wondering about the apparent silence of Archbishop Marini, the former Papal MC and leading exponent of the "soft rock hits of the '70's." I can now reveal, from various sources close to the Vatican, the reason for the silence. Pope Benedict has insisted on a course of liturgical rehab of between three weeks to six months. All those given to 'Coco the Clown' style liturgies are now experiencing interventions. This is also the reason behind the recent quietness of Bishop Donald Fishperson. My sources tell me that the typical intervention occurs around 1.00am - with a crack squad of the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter arriving in an unmarked vehicle. Armed with tazers (in the extraordinary form), they quickly subdue the liturgical bandits, blindfold them with old Mantillas and take them to rehab. Although the location is meant to be a secret, to deter Marty Haughen and the St. Louis Jesuits from attempting a rescue mission, the name "St. Guantanamo's Retreat" is believed to be the epicentre of operations. Run by the Institute of Christ the King Sovereign Priest, the rehab course is tough, and no-one leaves until they can say the Mass of Pope John XXIII by heart. There is some debate about whether certain techniques performed at St. Guantanamo are actually liturgical torture, but Pope Benedict is believed to feel that, after all the torture they put us through, a little bit of rough treatment may be in order. Among the techniques are: 1)Gregorian chant piped into their cells, 24 hours a day. 2) Liturgical 'water boarding,' consisting of a soaking with Holy Water while singing the "Asperges." 3) Wearing a maniple - even in the shower.
Marini's intervention took place last Saturday, shortly after he had returned from judging a 'Liturgical Dancing With the Stars' competition, sponsored by the Sisters of Mercy. As he was dragged into the back of the waiting vehicle by two burly Priestly Fraternity members in bullet-proof cassocks, Marini was heard to wail: "I'm not going to rehab, no, no, no."