Saturday, February 16, 2008

Marini's Silence Explained

Archbishop Marini being taken into rehab.

Commentators have been wondering about the apparent silence of Archbishop Marini, the former Papal MC and leading exponent of the "soft rock hits of the '70's." I can now reveal, from various sources close to the Vatican, the reason for the silence. Pope Benedict has insisted on a course of liturgical rehab of between three weeks to six months. All those given to 'Coco the Clown' style liturgies are now experiencing interventions. This is also the reason behind the recent quietness of Bishop Donald Fishperson. My sources tell me that the typical intervention occurs around 1.00am - with a crack squad of the Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter arriving in an unmarked vehicle. Armed with tazers (in the extraordinary form), they quickly subdue the liturgical bandits, blindfold them with old Mantillas and take them to rehab. Although the location is meant to be a secret, to deter Marty Haughen and the St. Louis Jesuits from attempting a rescue mission, the name "St. Guantanamo's Retreat" is believed to be the epicentre of operations. Run by the Institute of Christ the King Sovereign Priest, the rehab course is tough, and no-one leaves until they can say the Mass of Pope John XXIII by heart. There is some debate about whether certain techniques performed at St. Guantanamo are actually liturgical torture, but Pope Benedict is believed to feel that, after all the torture they put us through, a little bit of rough treatment may be in order. Among the techniques are: 1)Gregorian chant piped into their cells, 24 hours a day. 2) Liturgical 'water boarding,' consisting of a soaking with Holy Water while singing the "Asperges." 3) Wearing a maniple - even in the shower.

Marini's intervention took place last Saturday, shortly after he had returned from judging a 'Liturgical Dancing With the Stars' competition, sponsored by the Sisters of Mercy. As he was dragged into the back of the waiting vehicle by two burly Priestly Fraternity members in bullet-proof cassocks, Marini was heard to wail: "I'm not going to rehab, no, no, no."


gemoftheocean said...

ROTFL! You've outdone yourself, Fr. Owl! It's a hoot.

Kimberly said...

I am with Gem, I was practically on the floor laughing! Thank you so much, i haven't laughed that hard in a while. If you can top this post, I would be amazed, this is by far your best liturgical humor post, I'm printing it and putting on my wall (next to one of your VCT articles :-D ) If this is the way you sometimes vent your frustration with the current situation in the church, I wish I could deal with it in as humorous a manner as you! Have a good week Father, convert some more people with your funeral sermons.

tibotmorfenoo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

See this link for your namesake's anniversary.

gemoftheocean said...

I don't think Fr. Owl needs to worry much. He may not be in quite the last place on earth, but in rural Vermont, you can see it from there.


Mac McLernon said...

Ouch... my sides hurt from laughing so much!