Sunday, February 10, 2008

News from the Campaign

I have been inundated with requests to know how the Presidential campaign of the Owl is progressing. The Owl is known as the stealth candidate, also known as the Third Party choice. When the country is exhausted with the poor choice on the Democratic and Republican tickets, the Owl will emerge, to a grateful nation, as the only obvious candidate. Part of the Owl's new strategy is to have crowds chant "yes, we can" until they go into a Sufi trance. (Whirling Dervishes will be provided) What "we can" do doesn't really matter, it is enough to chant it. The Owl's political team believes policies should be revealed on a "need to know" basis - and the people really don't need to know. I can reveal that the Owl believes in Global Warming: that it's a good thing, because anything that warms Vermont up can't be bad. He encourages the use of gas-guzzling SUV's, and wants to be known for his big, fat, carbon footprint. Among other policies he is prepared to reveal: 1) Life in prison, without parole, for the use of cell-phones in Church. 2) The introduction of the stocks on village greens, and free rotten vegetables to throw at the people in the stocks. 3) Punishment of a day in the stocks for anyone who uses the word "like" as punctuation. 4) A humble apology to be offered to Her Majesty the Queen for the act of treason in 1776, and a petition to be allowed to enter the Commonwealth.

On a serious note - as an ignorant resident alien - can anyone explain to me how political candidates are allowed to make speeches in churches? Do these bodies not have tax -exempt status? If they do, why is that status not removed when the Sunday service is turned into a political rally?


Kimberly said...

Father, thank you for the good laugh!
My recital went very well by the way. Wish you could have been there. I recorded it though, so you'll be getting a copy.

gemoftheocean said...

God that's funny, especially the bit about global warming.

I'd vote for you except regards plank #4 - but you can't run (being foreign born.) -- it's a two edge sword. It will keep Maria Schriver's husband from attaining any higher political power.

Re: your serious question. Are you freakin' kidding me? DEMOCRAT PARTY goons can speak wherever they like. It's only the Republican party the ACLU would "cry me a river" over. You've lived here ten years and you still haven't figured that out? The whole thing's a crock of you know what this year anyway, personally I am praying for a republican win - Duncan Hunter to be made Sec. Def. and then 2 seconds after the inauguration he has a coup d'etat. That or asteroids falling on both conventions this year.

I'm desperate enough to draft Newt or Rick Santorum. Her Britannic Majesty's looking pretty good too....but NO CHARLIE. And "hell no" to the "commonwealth." I can't stand them almost as much as I can't stand the EU. As re: Pakistan -- plank #5 has to be "nuke Pakistan" -- that's after we practice on France. Just. Because. Right after we remove all the wine casks to safe ground.

And like, dude, I have a special request. Can we hang upside down by the ankles those idiots who let their kids record the answering machine message? Do they not realize the only ones who think it's "cute" is the grandparents -- and that's, uh, like ONCE. The younger the child allowed to record the message, the longer the parents swing. I'd prefer capital punishment for the offense, but as you're English, you're probably "squeamish" or something.


Your campaign for the advancement of the Owl took me back to studying American History for O level whilst at my public school in Dorset.

There was a man called John Bell of the "Know-Nothing" party who stood against Abraham Lincoln. See this link:

Best wishes from this side of the pond. Keep posting, it is much enjoyed. It reminds me of the books I used to read at prep school about missionaries in Africa........

Fr Jay Scott Newman said...

The only churches in which, by custom, speeches are allowed are black Protestant churches, and this exception is granted because of lingering guilt over slavery and racism. Imagine if, say Sam Brownback (a Catholic) had been invited to make a speech on a Sunday morning from the pulpit of a Catholic church. The screams would have risen to nationwide shriek.

And as for promoting large carbon footprints, just remember that one man's greenhouse gases are another man's plant food. When I fire up my 12 mile per gallon V8 on Earth Day, I take great consolation from the knowledge that I'm helping the trees grow.